Seriously, stop telling me what to do!!!!

Being a widow sucks eggs. Want to know why? Well in my humble opinion it is because certain family members think that they know what is best for me and my family ALL the time. I mean really, STOP PUSHING YOUR AGENDA ON ME! I know that Julia means well. I do. I know that she is trying to help by looking for houses to buy. Even though I have repeatedly told her I can't afford to buy a house. I will have $10,000 to start over completely with. That has to pay for moving all my belongings to another state. It has to pay for a place to stay while I locate a house to rent. It has to cover the first/last/deposit on the new place. And let me tell you when you have been crapped all over for 13 years and your credit turned to mush, banks are not going to lend me $100,000 to buy a house.

Where is all of this coming from? Well, Julia really hurt me tonight. She made me angry to the point where I don't want to be in the room with her now. She found a mobile home for sale for $18,000. Not in the area I want to live in, but that isn't the point. If I could buy a house for $18,000 I wouldn't care what area it is in. What hurt was her comment of "I could just put that on my credit card and buy it." Good for you. Glad you can go out and spend $18K on a house and rub it in my face. So happy that you have it all figured out. Down to the payment I would make if I put just $2000 down on the place.

When I tell her about the credit situation thanks to her wonderful brother, she proceeds to tell me that a bank would probably work with me if I had a co-signer. Well whoop-de-da. My parents aren't co-signing with anybody on anything. I sure as hell am not asking my friends to co-sign on a house with me. And the more I tried to tell her to just drop it and that I can only do what I can do, the more she was going "Yeah, but...".

I finally lost it. I hollered. I screamed. I told her that her brother had screwed me over royally for 13 years and now I have to work with what I have. I WILL make it for me and the kids. I WILL do what I have to to provide for them. But I WILL NOT keep being told what I should be doing.

If I could buy a house opposed to renting I would. God knows I wish I could afford to outright buy a home. That is a dream I have had for my kids since I had MacKenzie. Instead of buying a home when we had the money to, Donnie pissed it away on a scatter brained logging business venture. Oh well. It's all in the past. I have to dwell on the future and what I have to do for my kids now. Which is get them settled. Get them going in a normal pattern again. God it breaks my heart that I can't buy a house. That I can't give my kids all the things they see their friends have. I don't need anyone rubbing it in my face that they can charge $18,000 to a credit card without blinking.

Why is it that people always think that they know everything?

A marriage broken.

I spent almost 13 years with a man I wasn't in love with for over 4 of those years. Then he died. I know I am not able to grieve fully as a wife who lost her spouse. I grieve for the children he left behind. The 17 year old who will never have the chance to know his biological dad. The 10 year old whose world revolved around her dad. Te 9 year old with a learning disability who doesn't know how to grieve in any other way than to wail at the top of her lungs. The 5 year old who will never have his dad teach him how to play baseball or football. The 4 year olds who will not really remember their dad.

But I grieve more for the marriage that didn't get a time to heal.

Donnie's mental illnesses had him in a grip that wouldn't let go. The VA failed him miserably when it came to dealing with and facing his illnesses. Their solution was medicate it. The cancer caught us off guard and I knew there was no way in hell I would leave him facing that alone. I would never let the kids miss out on a single minute with their dad. I know in my heart that no matter whether I was in love with Donnie or not, I made the right decision by staying. Through all the jealousy and controlling and anger he was a good dad.

But that leaves me without a real way to grieve. I can throw up the grieving widow card and deal with his insane family that way. Okay they all aren't insane. Julia has her issues, but in the end she is a great sister in law to have. Wanda is the best at playing peace keeper. Ronnie can get his mom to see reason when no-one else can. Billy has a good heart. But when Donnie was "well" they talked about him like a dog. One even told him that he gave himself cancer and brought it on himself. While they wouldn't believe a word that came out of Donnie's mouth (and they had good reason not to believe him) they would latch on to any bad thing he said about me and expand on it. So I am left to deal with a family that the majority of the members can't stand me.

My marriage was broken for years. Now how do I grieve? I always knew I wouldn't grow old with Donnie. I knew I shouldn't have married him. But I chose to stay. Do I grieve as a friend who lost someone close to them. Do I grieve as a mother who lost the father of her kids. Or do I grieve as a widow. It almost feels wrong to grieve as a widow knowing I loved him, but wasn't in love with him.

My story.

Well, my "death wail" story. I became a widow on July 25th, 2011. My husband, Donald, had a massive heart attack in the Social Security office. He left behind me and our 5 kids. I am NOT your typical widow. Why? Read on to find out.

I was married to Donnie for 12.5 years. We had more downs than ups, but managed to have 5 beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for the world. There were many days that all I could think about was divorce. Many. But I have this problem you see. I can't know someone needs me and not be there for them. I tried leaving. Even moved 19 hours away to New Jersey to start over. Then after 6 months I did what I thought was best for my kids and let him back into our lives. He promised no more lies, no more controlling crap, no more of his bad stuff. But that didn't last. Less than a month later he was at it all over again.

Donnie was bi-polar and schizophrenic. He believed all of his delusions with a conviction that made him an excellent liar. I knew he had mental issues and thought that if staying with him would make him get the help he needed than I would stay. I'm not saying I was ever perfect in our marriage. I did things out of anger (like having an affair) that I do regret. I never felt justified in sleeping with someone else, I just got to a point where I was tired of being called a "whore" and being completely controlled. When we got back together before I had my third child I swore to him I wouldn't do it again. And for 6 years I kept that promise. When he started lying again and his bi-polar got really bad I started talking to a man online. It never progressed into anything, and I ended up losing someone who had turned out to be a good friend.

Why am I disclosing all of this? Well because I don't want anyone to think that I am just talking bad about Donnie if I say something they don't agree with. Donnie and I both made huge mistakes. We were together in the end because he needed to possess me and because I wanted the kids to spend their dad's last days together as a family.

In January 2011 Donnie was diagnosed with kidney cancer. In March he was upgraded to Stage 4 kidney/prostate/liver/pancreatic cancer. Terminal. 2 years to live. Again, as bad as my marriage was, I couldn't leave a man dying of cancer. It wouldn't have been right. The kids needed the time they could get with their dad. July 25th he had a massive heart attack. He died.

I am at peace with his death for many reasons. He is no longer in pain physically. He is no longer in pain mentally. The kids do not have to watch him die little by little. He is happy now.

I'm not however at peace with the situation he left me in. Broke. He didn't have any life insurance, even though he repeatedly said he did. He had no will, even though he said he did. He left me with none of the things he said he had. Thankfully he did have VA comp and Social Security. Both of which make it so that I don't have to go get a full time job.