My story.

Well, my "death wail" story. I became a widow on July 25th, 2011. My husband, Donald, had a massive heart attack in the Social Security office. He left behind me and our 5 kids. I am NOT your typical widow. Why? Read on to find out.

I was married to Donnie for 12.5 years. We had more downs than ups, but managed to have 5 beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for the world. There were many days that all I could think about was divorce. Many. But I have this problem you see. I can't know someone needs me and not be there for them. I tried leaving. Even moved 19 hours away to New Jersey to start over. Then after 6 months I did what I thought was best for my kids and let him back into our lives. He promised no more lies, no more controlling crap, no more of his bad stuff. But that didn't last. Less than a month later he was at it all over again.

Donnie was bi-polar and schizophrenic. He believed all of his delusions with a conviction that made him an excellent liar. I knew he had mental issues and thought that if staying with him would make him get the help he needed than I would stay. I'm not saying I was ever perfect in our marriage. I did things out of anger (like having an affair) that I do regret. I never felt justified in sleeping with someone else, I just got to a point where I was tired of being called a "whore" and being completely controlled. When we got back together before I had my third child I swore to him I wouldn't do it again. And for 6 years I kept that promise. When he started lying again and his bi-polar got really bad I started talking to a man online. It never progressed into anything, and I ended up losing someone who had turned out to be a good friend.

Why am I disclosing all of this? Well because I don't want anyone to think that I am just talking bad about Donnie if I say something they don't agree with. Donnie and I both made huge mistakes. We were together in the end because he needed to possess me and because I wanted the kids to spend their dad's last days together as a family.

In January 2011 Donnie was diagnosed with kidney cancer. In March he was upgraded to Stage 4 kidney/prostate/liver/pancreatic cancer. Terminal. 2 years to live. Again, as bad as my marriage was, I couldn't leave a man dying of cancer. It wouldn't have been right. The kids needed the time they could get with their dad. July 25th he had a massive heart attack. He died.

I am at peace with his death for many reasons. He is no longer in pain physically. He is no longer in pain mentally. The kids do not have to watch him die little by little. He is happy now.

I'm not however at peace with the situation he left me in. Broke. He didn't have any life insurance, even though he repeatedly said he did. He had no will, even though he said he did. He left me with none of the things he said he had. Thankfully he did have VA comp and Social Security. Both of which make it so that I don't have to go get a full time job.