A marriage broken.

I spent almost 13 years with a man I wasn't in love with for over 4 of those years. Then he died. I know I am not able to grieve fully as a wife who lost her spouse. I grieve for the children he left behind. The 17 year old who will never have the chance to know his biological dad. The 10 year old whose world revolved around her dad. Te 9 year old with a learning disability who doesn't know how to grieve in any other way than to wail at the top of her lungs. The 5 year old who will never have his dad teach him how to play baseball or football. The 4 year olds who will not really remember their dad.

But I grieve more for the marriage that didn't get a time to heal.

Donnie's mental illnesses had him in a grip that wouldn't let go. The VA failed him miserably when it came to dealing with and facing his illnesses. Their solution was medicate it. The cancer caught us off guard and I knew there was no way in hell I would leave him facing that alone. I would never let the kids miss out on a single minute with their dad. I know in my heart that no matter whether I was in love with Donnie or not, I made the right decision by staying. Through all the jealousy and controlling and anger he was a good dad.

But that leaves me without a real way to grieve. I can throw up the grieving widow card and deal with his insane family that way. Okay they all aren't insane. Julia has her issues, but in the end she is a great sister in law to have. Wanda is the best at playing peace keeper. Ronnie can get his mom to see reason when no-one else can. Billy has a good heart. But when Donnie was "well" they talked about him like a dog. One even told him that he gave himself cancer and brought it on himself. While they wouldn't believe a word that came out of Donnie's mouth (and they had good reason not to believe him) they would latch on to any bad thing he said about me and expand on it. So I am left to deal with a family that the majority of the members can't stand me.

My marriage was broken for years. Now how do I grieve? I always knew I wouldn't grow old with Donnie. I knew I shouldn't have married him. But I chose to stay. Do I grieve as a friend who lost someone close to them. Do I grieve as a mother who lost the father of her kids. Or do I grieve as a widow. It almost feels wrong to grieve as a widow knowing I loved him, but wasn't in love with him.